It’s almost 3 am, and you stare into the pitch darkness, eyelids heavy, but mind racing. It’s funny how your eyes play tricks on you in the dark. The longer you stare, the blacker it becomes. It starts from the edges and creeps into the middle until the entire room is five shades darker. Then, the edges grow darker again, blackness compounding upon blackness, darker until the sunrise.
You've been tossing and turning all night, trying to find comfort in the warmth of the sheets. Now, you roll from your side onto your back and stare up at the vacant ceiling. The darkness is malicious, and you’re afraid. It glares back at you, peering into you, or maybe just reflecting you. You shut your eyes, but the scenery is the same. And you can't escape these toxic thoughts.
Remember a few years ago when you met your best friend? It was by chance, which is pretty much how you meet all your favorite people. At first you were forced to spend time with each other, then you wanted to. You spent long afternoons and evenings sharing your passions, your secrets, your fears. You might know her better than anyone else. She definitely knows you.
Remember parking your car on that hill and talking until the sun came up? Looking back, that's probably when you started to fall for her. When you finally shared the part of yourself you hated the most, and she looked into your eyes and told you how special you were.
But fool, you couldn’t say the same to her. You tried, but your tongue twisted, and your mouth dried, and your words caught, so you just looked away and hoped she could somehow pick up what you were trying to say non-verbally.
You realized that you wanted to spend every second with her. Your days didn’t seem complete if she wasn’t involved. You found yourself volunteering to help her with things you hated, but they didn’t seem so bad with her by your side. You would spend all day and night laughing with her.
Remember when she shared with you that she couldn’t really handle romantic affection, and your blood ran cold, but you laughed and said, “Me neither, good thing we’re just friends, right?” And then you thought, damn, why did I just say that, and she was looking at you, but when you saw, she looked away.
Remember when she complained that she couldn’t find anyone who she really connected with, and you came that close to confessing your love to her, and you said her name so heavily, she snapped out of whatever she was thinking about and stared at you with wide, expectant eyes, but you just looked away and told her she’d find that special someone someday?
Remember all those times you laid awake in bed fantasizing about finally saying what had been on your mind for the longest time? It was real romantic in your head. In your fantasy, your fear dissolved, and you just dropped the bomb like, “I think I’m in love with you.” No, more nonchalant, like, “Hey, I love you, you know?” Actually, maybe you shouldn’t be so intense and you'd go with a, “Hey, I really like you.” And she would be like, “Like, like like me?” And you would be like - no wait, what is this, middle school? You would actually just say, “Hey, do you want to go on a real date with me sometime?” And you smiled when you thought of this one because you knew you wouldn’t be so suave in real life. And in your fantasy, she wouldn’t reject you. (And you thought what if she doesn’t reject me for fear of being the cause of what tips me over the edge but she doesn’t really want to go out with me, she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I would never want anyone to think that. [And then you thought how do you even think up these things?]). In your fantasy, she said something like, “Really?” And you said, “Yeah, I really like you.”
And then the fantasy you in your mind’s eye thought, what is this middle school, and said, “Actually, I think I’m in love with you.” Maybe she replied here. Maybe she said, “Wow, I love you too.” Maybe she said, “Well, that took long enough.” And maybe she didn’t say anything and you said,
“I’m sorry, but I can’t hold this in any longer. I love you because you’re such an amazing person. You see the world in a different way. You’re always ready for the next adventure, always looking toward the future. And you see the good in everyone. You saw the good in me when I couldn't see anything but darkness. I know you said you couldn’t really handle when guys are really in love with you, but maybe we can’t resist because you’re so radiant and we’re like moths flying in the dark without you.”
And, in the dark, you smiled so hard your face hurt. Could you get any cheesier? And then you laughed out loud because that’s how you actually felt.
(And in the back of your mind you were mad at yourself for allowing yourself to feel this way because you tried so hard not to develop these emotions because they always, always, always end in heartbreak. [And in the back of the back of your mind you remembered that by the time couples break up, they despise the very things they once loved about each other.])
Remember when you got up everyday for the next few months and still said nothing to her? And you watched with a gnawing feeling in your heart as she started to grow bored of you. And all of a sudden, she didn’t really want to hang out with you anymore. And you didn’t talk. And you missed her so bad. And you were desperate to have her back, and one day you finally asked her on that date, but it wasn’t anything like how you imagined you would say it. It was rushed, and you stumbled over your words, and she just looked really sad, and she said your name softly and said, “I really care about you, but I don’t like you like that.”
And you were kind of tearing up a little bit, but you didn’t want her to see even though you knew she knew, so you just looked away and said, “Oh, yeah, that’s fine.” And she reached out and touched your hand and asked, “Are you okay?” And even though you felt like your insides were being vacuumed into a void, and you were barely containing your tears, and the pain was plastered all over your face, you said, “Yeah, I’m fine.” You’d just ruined it. You’d ruined everything. But you still didn’t want to lose her, so you asked, “We can still be friends, right?” And she forced a smile and said, “Of course.” And then she let go of your hand and walked away.
Remember when you had to stand with your back to the wall while waiting for the train because you couldn’t escape the fantasy of jumping in front of the tracks and your body twisting and flailing between the car and the cement and your blood spraying and finally releasing years of pent-up anguish, but then you couldn’t do that because she would think it was her fault when really it was always all your fault, and you didn’t really want to die anyway, you just wanted the constant, dull, aching, pain to end?
Remember when thought you were over it, but then you saw her with her new boyfriend, and he was tall, dark, handsome, and strong - all the things you could never be - and you were so jealous, but you really just wanted her to be happy even if it was without you because you still loved her and you probably always would? You knew this would happen, but you couldn’t help yourself. Self-torture is your favorite sport.
Remember when you hung out with your friends, including her and her boyfriend, and you realized he’s actually a really cool dude, and he’s perfect for her and you made friends with him and even gave him relationship advice all the while stifling an enormous sadness?
Remember when you tried to drown your depression, and it worked for a little while, but then you realized that you could still feel the pain no matter how drunk you got, so you went to a club to dance it out, but you couldn't get out of your own head, and your feet were moving, but you were sinking in quicksand, and you somehow ended up dancing right next to her and her boyfriend (what are the odds?), and at least your usual suicide fantasy had morphed from jumping off a bridge to blowing out your brains right there and getting your guts all over his perfect outfit?
Remember when you asked her if she ever felt the same way about you, and her face fell, and she teared up a little bit and said, “Yes. But I didn’t think you did.”
You clench your teeth, open your eyes and turn to the other side. You curl up in a ball and hug yourself, but you can’t keep the tears in. Your nose stuffs, and the tears fall sideways over your face and soak into the pillow. And you gaze outside looking for a glimmer of light, but it’s still pitch black and the sun won’t rise for hours.
No comments:
Post a Comment